Saigon Slip-Up

Damn, I just had one of the trippiest experiences of my life. I arrived in Saigon (AKA Ho Chi Minh city) around 5 this morning. I disembarked the train and hopped on the back of a stranger’s moped for a 20 minute ride to district 1, where my hotel is located. Right after I got off the moped, I walked around a park, sat down on a bench, smoked a pre-rolled doobie, watched old people exercise, and witnessed a homeless man blithely shoot up heroin amongst a throng of people. Unable to find my hotel, I chose to think it over while I eat french toast at a Vietnamese version of a Mexican restaurant. It took me about two hours to find this place; I arrived around 7 am. When i arrived, i was granted a complimentary, yet scrumptious  breakfast. I was informed that I couldn't check into my room until this afternoon. I was full, sleep-deprived, caffeinated, and eager to explore Saigon. Oh, and whilst doing so, I planned to enhance the exploration by lighting up a pre-rolled doobie :) 

Within minutes, I was approached by a cross-eyed overweight Vietnamese man that looked about 19 or 20; it was hard to tell though since Asians seem to maintain their youth so well. Much to my surprise, the crooked eyed fellow spoke to me in natural, west-coast English. "Hey, what's up man? Where you going?" he inquired as he voraciously devoured his baguette sandwich. "For a walk." I replied. It was almost as if he could sense my intention to toke as he quickly got to talking about smoking. "Yo man, you smoke? I can get you some weed." I politely refused the offer by saying, "Nah man, i'm straight." 

Okay, before i get to this next part, in order to prevent criticism of my discretion, i must provide some context. I arrived in Saigon hours earlier on an overnight train from Nha Trang. In Nha Trang, this shit was sold by commercial businesses such as bars, restaurants, and book vendors. I smoked in bars, restaurants, on the beach, in public, and in my hotel. I'd even spent 3 hours in my room watching Vietnamese cartoons while simultaneously rolling up the goods i'd just acquired from the book boy up the street. Despite the laws in Vietnam being clearly outlined online, one would think that getting baked is perfectly fine out here, especially after seeing multiple individuals shoot up heroin in public. So, due to my 4 day stoner session in Nha Trang, I developed a daring attitude that carried over to Saigon; a place where the exchange of wealth and goods has caused this city to evolve into a mercenary mecca. 

Anyways, back to the fat English speaking Vietnamese dude with crooked eyes that approached me about smoking. As this dude was strolling alongside me on his moped, talking with his mouth full of half eaten bologna and bread, I regrettably engaged in conversation. He mentioned that he knew of a good spot to smoke, a cafe, and offered me a ride there on his moped. Okay, this is where my discretion should justifiably be called into question. I thought, "Well, cafes in Nha Trang were legit places to smoke, so why not?" and, "Up until this point, all the Vietnamese people i've kicked it with seemed cool so this shouldn't be a problem." Besides that rationalization, I have no excuse for not aborting right then and there. Rule of thumb: when in Saigon, if a fat, smooth talking Vietnamese dude approaches you about something technically illegal in that country, rather than engage, evade! Unfortunately, i acquired that wisdom the hard way and hopped on the back of his moped. 

He quickly began weaving in and out of congested streets, all of which, i was completely unfamiliar with. You know that feeling in your gut that arises when you know that some sketchy shit is about to occur? Well, as soon as this fat fucker sped off from district 1, that feeling arose, and it got even worse when he stopped. We were not at a cafe, or any organized establishment for that matter. We were on a sidewalk where we sat in two conveniently placed plastic Coca-Cola chairs. There were no waiters, just a man standing across the street in a parking garage wearing a Korean advertised polo shirt, jeans, and sandals. "What the fuck!? This dude said we were going to a cafe, not a street corner!" He signaled the dude from across the street to come over. They spoke Vietnamese and the fat guy asked me what i wanted to order. I ordered water; i shouldn't have ordered anything. The man went back to the garage then came back with my water. At that point, all I could think was, "Shit, how am i gonna break it to this guy that i need to leave NOW!" He pulled a jay and a lighter out of his pocket and informed that i needed to make a special hand signal using my pinky to inform the waiter of what we were about to do. He handed both the lighter and his jay to me but i immediately handed them back and told him to smoke it first; he refused. 

Based on the hand signal shit, him refusing to smoke it, the conveniently placed chairs in lieu of a cafe, and the fact that other backpackers had told me about this scam on my way down the country, i knew for sure at that point that this fat piece of shit was trying to set me up to be extorted of all my funds. I stood up, told him i was leaving, and began walking. He became livid and so did the man across the street wearing the Korean polo; i'd yet to pay for the water. I took out a Vietnamese bill worth about $5, handed it to the mock-waiter and told him to keep the change. The mock-waiter backed off. The fat guy was pissed and i could see the fire burning in perpendicular directions out of his crooked eyes. "I saw you smoke! Come to my office now and you have no trouble. If you leave, you're gonna have a big problem!" he spat as i walked away, determined to find a cab. "I have a gun right here and if you don't stop, i'll shoot you!" he claimed as he pointed towards the basket in his moped. I remained unflappable because i was incredulous of his claim. I didn't see a gun when i glanced down and due to the strict communist regime of Vietnam, almost nobody out here has guns. Plus, even if he did have a gun, i know that Vietnam doesn't want to experience the backlash of a tourist being shot over allegedly smoking HIS joint. 

As he incessantly threatened me, i made my way to a busier street and saw taxi drivers standing near their cabs. Stupidly, i pulled out my hotel card prior to getting in a cab and the overweight wannabe snitch quickly informed me that he now knew where i stay. I hopped in the cab and although the driver couldn't speak English, he knew where my hotel was and he began driving. The crooked eye crook was passionately persistent. He followed the cab closely with his cellphone to his ear but i don't think he was making any calls. I kept my head forward and knew that the only way to conquer the con artist was with confidence so i laughed and smiled to disguise the fear i felt within. The interaction fazed me enough to dispose of my previously acquired goods within the taxi. I didn't know how close the aggressor would be when i got out of the cab, or if he'd called up some of his homies to follow. I wasn't trying to be in possession of anything incriminating as i disembarked the escape vehicle. I graciously tipped my savior of a cab driver hoping that when he discovered the remnants of our rowdy ride back to district 1, he'd keep that small tip in mind and dispose of my goods however he saw fitting. 

Luckily, it's now 9:30 am, which means I haven't seen that gross goon in over an hour. "Welcome to Saigon!" But fuck it, I won't allow my poor decision making damper my experience; I'll allow it to enhance my situation in Saigon. If the dude approaches again, I won't be docile, i'll be hostile! Due to my lack of possession, I have nothing to hide. If he approaches aggressively, I must maximize my masculinity. Cause honestly, out here, these dogs are all bark and no bite, and if it comes down to it, i'll be the first to strike!   

^Me about two hours before the Saigon Slip-UP